Blog-a-thon

If you ever have children, what would I do differently from my parents? To begin, my parents were amazing people. They treated me very well from what I remember. In fact, if I ever do have children, I know for a fact I want them to grow up the way I did if it’s possible. I’m going to sound narcissistic but I do believe I’m more mature than most people my age. I do have my dumb moments, but for the most part, I grew up just the way my parents intended and I’m thankful for that.

What is my favorite quote and why does it inspire me? My favorite quote would have to be that one that mentions that every person you meet is for a reason. Like they leave an impact on you. I clearly don’t know the quote word for word but I do get the point. It’s my favorite because I relate to it. Every person I’ve et in my life has left an impact on me, good or bad.

What did I dream about last night? Half of the time, I don’t remember what I dreamt about. I don’t remember what I dreamt about yesterday but I do know these past couple of weeks I’ve been having the weirdest dreams ever. Like it’s not anything out of the ordinary but it’s stuff I would never expect to happen. I donut know.

What’s my dream car? I’ve never really thought so much about this one, but I do know that ever since I was about eight years old, visiting Lebanon. I kept seeing BMWs everywhere. I fell involve with the X5. It’s an SUV which seems a little to mature for me right now but one day, hopefully I’ll be blessed enough to buy it for myself.

Plan out my next five years? Let’s begin with, I get so much criticism from my friends because I’m so precise about my plan for the future. They think it’s unrealistic and that life is supposed to take it’s toll but honestly, I think thats setting yourself up for failure. You can’t just let you life go and hope it “flows”. Nah, nope, no. So going back to the prompt.. I would like to attend a four year university, major in biochemistry. After getting my bachelors, I would like to continue my education at Washington University Medical School, or Mizzou Medical School. I haven’t made up my mind of which college I’m going to yet but I hope it’s the first one. And that would conclude what the next five years are going to consist of. Undergrad and Medical School!!!

The last argument I had? It was with my best friend Hasnija. I wrote about her on my blogs before but our conflict was just cumulated throughout the years and I felt like there was no fixing it. I mean why would you when nothing is going to change? Theres only so much you can do for a person before you have to give up. So I gave up, and she didn’t mind at all. I spoke to her this weekend after maybe a month of not talking to each other and she was really hurt by me. I do admit to being egocentric and senstive but I am the way I am. And she’s selfish and ugh. I don’t even know what the word is. She’s many things. She’s annoying and aggravating but besides all of that, she’s one of the best people who have ever been in my life no matter how much problems or pain she brought. Anyways, we talked this weekend and we agreed on being friends but not rushing into anything. Wow, this sounds like an actual relationship, but yes. We’re just giving our friendship time to heal itself by itself.

If I were locked in my favorite department store, I would finally have enough time to try things on before one of the workers start nagging at me. Oh my god, I hate it. I know it’s their job or whatever, but shut up and let me change. So yeah, I would go full on crazy and try everything on and take a bunch of pictures in the outfits.

A time where I hoped everything would happen and it did.. Almost a year ago, I was hanging out with my sister. She picked me up from my house and she took me out to eat at my favorite restaurant. (The Vine, you’re welcome). And I just had the perfect day, I don’t know how but everything was so good that day. When she drops me back home, the front door was locked which was odd because I knew my dads friends were over. I knocked on the door since I clearly didn’t have my keys, as I’m looking back at my sister, I saw this beautiful Honda Accord. I knew it, I knew it right there and then and started screaming. My dad came out to open the door and I pointed at the car and he started laughing, asking me how’d I figure it out. I had been begging my dad for a Honda Accord since I was fifteen so it only made sense it would be mine. It was just a really good day bc not a single bad thing happened, I got what I wished for.

When was the first time you loved anyone? Besides my amazing family, I did “love” someone. We’re going to name him Robby. How perfect. He was my high school sweetheart, and I was his. We didn’t mean to like each other but we did. A lot of people were not very happy about the decision I was making. Including my family, my family couldn’t stand his family. My friends thought it was a horrible idea that this is who I chose considering his reputation. Although, when we were around each other, it’s like we could both act like ourselves and that’s one of the things I loved about him. Eventually, fast forward, I ended things because it hectic and I wasn’t ready for that I guess. He is still in my life, but he’s getting engaged soon.. so that’s that.

Write about my first name…. Funny story actually…. My parents thought I was going to be a boy. I guess my doctor detected that I was a boy from my ultrasound but NOPE. As I was told from many of my family members, when my dad found out I was a girl, he was devastated. He had brought baby boy clothes with him and an ugly name to match it. (That name is not to be mentioned because it’s so cringe). Anyways, my mother was so excited. All of her children were named by someone else, her brother, my dad, etc. But she wanted to name me. So she named me Saja. It’s from a line in the Quran. I don’t read arabic nor do I understand the formal understanding of it but it meant something good. That I know.

If I could travel anywhere in the universe, I would love to go New Zealand. It looks beautiful in pictures and I would simply love to go there by myself. Ugh, that sounds like an actual dream.

Something I consider “ugly”…. I consider marriage ugly. The whole point of it, I hate it. Ew. Gross. Nope.

Yesterdays prompt

The question was how would you cope with the downs in your life or in the future basically. And right now, I feel like my life is constantly surrounded with negativity, rejection, failure, the list could go on and on. I don’t know how to cope with all of it and that’s my problem right now. I slept all day yesterday because I didn’t want to face any of my problems. I don’t know if it’s seniorits, or what. I ended my friendship with “has”. I just didn’t think it was worth being friends when I leave for college in less than a year. And honestly, I felt under appreciated every time I was around her. I just felt the need to end it and she didn’t mind at all which gave me another good reason that I was doing the right thing. And My grades are dropping so damn fast, I know I could do something to stop it but instead I decide to fall asleep. I’m so behind in every class besides this one. I haven’t applied for any scholarships, haven’t applied to the schools I really want because I fear getting rejected from somewhere I actually care about. I haven’t revised my college essay. I’m being so lazy and unproductive, and I can’t seem to fix it.
The thing is, I don’t know what the REAL problem is to even find a solution to help how I feel. I go through these weird phases where I cry about anything and everything and right now it’s happening. I cried during class because of the freaking example essays. It was touching, yes, but it’s not worth crying over. This happens almost every year, and I feel so unhappy but I’m happy. Does that make sense? No. I know. This is a bit off topic but what scares me the most is that I plan on pursing a career where people constantly die. I don’t know if I can handle all that death considering I cried over an essay. I knew I wanted to pursue medicine since I was very little and had no intention of ever changing that, I still don’t. I remember my mother’s oncology nurse, she was one of my favorite people to be around. She ended up quitting her job because she got so depressed from what she was doing. It’s not that she didn’t love what she was doing, but that it was too much to handle. What if that becomes me? What if I spend half of my life studying oncology just to find out I’m not strong enough for it or that I can’t put my feelings aside and get too attached to the patients.

Music

I’m a big fan on music just like everyone in this world with an actual soul. I don’t think I’m subjective to a certain type of music. I’ll listen to just about anything besides COUNTRY MUSIC. My friends always try turning it on in my cars and I always end up arguing with them for wanting to hurt my ears. My all time favorite song is Build a Home by Cin— something. I’m not big with names but it’s been my favorite since I first heard it from a movie. (If you haven’t heard it, please do). The figurative language is beyond beautiful and I don’t know what else to say besides that it’s freaking amazing. My favorite band has to be Foster the People although, and Coldplay it’s also pretty good.

My first concert, I told my dad I was sleeping over my sisters then went to Kansas City. Thinking back on it. god I was so mean to him and sneaky, I’d definitely take it back if I could. Anyways, I went to a One Direction concert that was gifted by my neighbor for my birthday. We were so far away but I didn’t mind.

I’ve been to many concerts after that. Just from the top of my head.. Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Flo Rida, Post Malone, G-Eazy, Kodak Black, and a couple of bosnian concerts with my friends. Ironically I didn’t understand what anyone what was saying but I had a lot fun. I want to go to drake’s concert that’s coming up but I’m not sure my bank account is going to let me so we’ll see the day of probably.  After all, I’m THAT last minute person so I don’t doubt it.

 

BLOGS ARE DUE

I think. I’m horrible with keeping up on assignments this year but I’m sure I established that already.

Since I’m drained out of ideas to talk about. I’m literally going to talk about my day. Last week I went to the doctors and she recommended me this book about cancer since that’s what I want to specialize in. I started reading it this morning, other than the fact I can barley understand due to the complex vocabulary in it, it’s pretty good. It’s pretty big and I’m not used to reading a book that big, and I know it’ll take me a while to finish it. I used to read all the time, and I’m so glad I’m back to it.

My AP psych homework keeps piling up yet I refuse to get my notebook out of my backpack and do it. I barley passed that class’s midterm last week but I managed. Speaking of last week, I also took my math midterm. Phew. I studied my ass off, just to not finish the test in time of course. So my grade was horrible, but it brought my grade 2% up. That’s how bad it’s gotten.

I’m supposed to be getting dressed to go apple picking but I have to finish this first before my grade drops in this class too. YAY for always being last minute, right?

I stayed up until 4AM catching up on this tv show called Riverdale. I knew who was the villain the entire time. It wasn’t hard to figure out which makes me think that the characters or whatever should do something better to hide it in the beginning. I don’t much tv anymore like I did in the summer, shocker. But my favorite has to be gossip girl or greys anatomy. I know how cliche it sounds because that’s literally almost everyone’s favorite tv shows but ITS SO GOOD HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE IT.

Work

Every time I work, someone comes in to return something that could be as little as 3 bucks, and that’s not the part that baffles me. There would be people driving the most expensive cars, wearing the most shiniest rings, and expensive clothing return something so priceless. Like honestly, what are you doing? You’re loaded and you’re worried about not getting your 3 bucks back. What logic, what sense does that make? Maybe that’s how they got so rich, because I will spend money on ANYTHING. It’s kind of sad, but not the point. I just don’t see the correlation. And then when they have the audacity to start arguing with me about three dollars. It’s pathetic, honestly.

Anyways, I work this entire weekend. I don’t mind working except for the fact I do. I just hate talking to people, my mouth starts to hurts from talking so much. And let’s not even mention the rude customers. I get so sleepy once I’m on the registers, and as ironic as this is. I hate t when it’s not busy. It makes time go by so much slower. Today I work 2 till 9, and I want to cry. I’ll live, I’ll live.

I want to go apple picking on Sunday but I work. SORRY SILLY ME, I AM GOING APPLE PICKING ON SUNDAY. I hate to leave them hanging but I’m sure I made it specific that I can’t work on Sundays. But whoops, not my problem. I sound so evil right now, I’m not. I enjoy my job, ISH, but still 🙂

Indecisive, typical.

I’m the most indecisive person. It’s really annoying at times, I cannot stand it. It could be about literally anything. Food, clothes, ANYTHING AT ALL. This time it’s about my short story. I’m not in love with it, it’s good, yes. But I could definitely come up with something better if I wanted to and now i’m regretting choosing the theme I did. And the thing is, it’s done. I turned in my final draft on Thursday and I already have an idea on how I want the book cover to look but yet, I still have this nagging voice in my head, telling me to come up with something better. I want something more plot twisting and dramatic but whatever, I’ll live. I really hate me 🙂

Then here comes college decisions. I’ve thought about UMKC since sophomore year, because of the accelerated premed program and the application deadline is Nov 1st, meaning it’s to late for my counselors to send in my information and whatnot. I got accepted into MSU but I still cant figure out if that’s really where I want to go. Or if I want to go to Mizzou. I just can’t seem to make my mind up, and it’s annoying me. I’ve visited so many campuses and I kept thinking that I would instantly feel that “spark” or the feeling of being at home but nope. Nada. I just don’t know what to do and that’s odd considering I’ve planned my life out since I was 11. I just don’t know and now I’m rambling.

My prompt

We talked about my prompt in class today. If you weren’t there or don’t remember it was basically asking who’d you rather love someone and not have them love you back, OR have someone love you and you don’t. One of my classmates shared their thoughts on it and it changed my mindset.
I don’t remember word for word, but it was along the lines that you can’t love someone unless you’ve been loved before. Yes, very true. This is more on the personal side for me so let me explain, not that anyone cares anymore, but. I loved someone very dearly, and I believe that love was reciprocated. I was and I still am very young, and I might not even know what “love” truly means. I don’t think any of us do to be completely honest. We just assume and call it that when we feel very strongly towards someone. And at that moment in my life, I felt this strongly towards this person so that’s why I’m assuming I loved him. Eventually, things didn’t go as planned and the “love” dried up. I still believe I love him till this very day, and I cannot speak for the other person but it doesn’t seem like he feels that way about me. It made me quite sad and very lonely in the beginning. Until I realized that I’m literally only 17 years old with many years to come and this shouldn’t hurt me as much as it should. Whatever, whatever.
If it matters anyways, I’d chose to be loved. I would rather someone love me, I would rather be selfish, I would rather savor my feelings than to be sad. That’s why I chose my choice. Loving others becomes exhausting and tiring. I don’t think that makes you a bad person either.

uh ohh

This entry is going to be about my hardheaded best friend. I met her in physics freshman year, whatever, whatever. You get the point, she’s my favorite person, and my least favorite person. Her name is very weird so I like to call her “has” to make it easier on me. We’re so different yet, alike. After all, my psychology teacher said that we pick our friends based on our similarities. (Yes, I paid attention in class for once, no biggie).

Moving forward, we’ve had our fights forsure throughout high school just like any other friends. Except we’re in one right now and it doesn’t seem like it’s clearing up or getting better. Hence, (My short story is based off of us, but not completely plausible).

So me and Has have been planning on going to college for quite some time now, and even if we didn’t talk about it before. We always knew we’d go together wherever. She always knew I was an overachiever compared to her, but that never discouraged her. She’s very smart, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t think she tries enough, or shows her full potential and it drives me nuts. I only want to see her do good things, but it’s almost like she doesn’t want that for herself.

Anyways, I always ask her if she wants to hang out and study with me and her response is always something negative. She chooses to hang out with people who slow her down rather than better her. I don’t know. We were supposed to be ACT prepping today but instead she blew me off to hang out with her other friend.

Last weekend, we hung out and she admitted that she doesn’t want to go to college with me anymore. I wasn’t hurt, I kind of expected it. She never tried, and I can’t help someone if they don’t want to help themselves. I told her okay. She asked if I was mad. I told her no. It was the truth but I STILL DON’T KNOW.

Hope you enjoyed reading about me and has, let me know what I should do if you have any ideas :))

Bio

Saja is influenced by those who surround her. Her interests consist of two cats, science and reading. During Saja’s 4 years in high school, she’s planning on accomplishing a total amount of 100 hours volunteering at nursing homes, and hospitals. In the face of misfortune, Saja has lost those closest to her but continues to strive for the better. She also plans to begin college in the near future majoring in Biochemistry in hopes of becoming a physician.  

This Week

This week has been the worst week I’ve ever had. I’ve been so behind on everything and I felt so UGH. I barley slept the entire week, some days I didn’t at all (SHOUTOUT AP PSYCH notes, that I never even finished :))) ) I kept dreading going to school each day and finally Friday came around.

Friday, I went to school, obviously. Then I went to work. I had my co workers pick up all my other shifts throughout the week so Friday was the first time I worked since the week before. All my co workers loved my hair, or felt the need to pretend to like it to spare my feelings. Everything went smooth for the most part. I went home, and cleaned up my room since it was giving me anxiety. I went to sleep at 3am, yes my room was that dirty 🙂

Saturday morning, I woke up to 4 miscalls from my older sister. It was 5:40am and I was late to my college visit to Missouri State University. Three hours or so later, we arrived and I liked it for the most part. (I hate to say this, but I liked Mizzou’s campus more) BUTTTTTTTTTT, I FELL INLOVE WITH THEIR CHEMISTRY DEPARTMENT. They were so kind and understanding. I left the school impressed. Once I got home, I had nothing to do. My family left to hang out with their friends. All my friends (2 friends…..) were working, so I actually had time for myself and frankly, it felt weird to not have anything to do.

Sunday morning, I found out that I was working. Which I was very upset about since I made sure I drilled it in my managers brain that I CANNOT work on Sundays. I’m a procrastinator, so Sunday’s are homework days. Anyways, I went it and finished at 5:30, and somehow I left at 6:30… ugh. I went home, just to realize I had a project due the next day for AP Psych. I got the supplies I needed, and once again, I’m doing anything I can to not do it right now.